Startling Revelations

I don't mean to start a big thing, but has anyone else noticed that Vanilla Ice's epic ballad "I Love You" seems to be nothing more than a complete ripoff, in music and lyrics, of LL Cool J's equally magnificent "I Need Love"? Don't believe me? See for yourself. I can provide free burned copies of "To The Extreme" for anyone that doesn't still have it. Just post your mailing address and Paypal me $2 for shipping.

Could this be the next big conspiracy theory? I don't know, like I said, I don't mean to start anything big, but I'm just sayin...

the nba scandal

i can't wait for the "so what if i was fixing games to make money? at least i wasn't instructing the entire ref corps to fix games to get tv ratings" cut-off-the-nose-to-save-the-face move in the next few weeks. even if it's not true this guy might as well make the most out of his already soiled name and bring down the rest of the nba with him. ...right?

bobby's world

bobby's world is on its way back to tv. that makes the icon at the top of our page much less nostalgic. any replacement ideas?

kwik-e-mart

great observation by buster zalkand a few weeks ago that hit home today:
the simpsons created a sarcastic, purposefully generic version of 7-11 and then almost twenty years later licensed this generic version back to them. amazing.

olmec! (rated R)

espn's who's now

there is an inherent problem with this espn "who's now" deal: by establishing rankings for a bracket, they are already declaring who they think is “now.” the bracket format only works when the prize up for grabs is self-contained to that bracket and said bracket's seedings are based on previous performance. it's not like there was a formula based on athletic performance--or importance to team, or endorsements, or past "who's now" voting--there was nothing. by establishing seedings, espn has already declared who it thinks is “now,” and being that espn is most likely the primary media outlet that most "who's now" voters use to get their sports news, those voters will most likely have opinions shaped by that very same espn (with skews based on geographical location). add to that the fact that 30% of the vote comes from espn personalities (although i am in favor of them doing 10%-10%-10% instead of the electoral college system, but that's a different point altogether) and we have one gigantic waste of time. it's a meta-fantasy sport; a ridiculous feat topped only by the now-more-popular-than-ever sportscaster-as-the-interviewee interview.

miley's mammy

i touched on this last night, but today i got to thinking and realized that this probably deserves a bit more attention. what is with hannah montana's treatment of black peoople? the show has two black characters: one is an evil b-word who goes to school with miley and has no redeeming factors besides that she is cool for an unoriginal archetypal reason, and the other is roxy, miley/hannah's bodyguard slash maternal figure.
think about that for a second. a southern, tennessee family employs a rotund, jovial black woman to care for their white, petite child. she only breaks from her character's distinctly annoying drawl once, and that is in an alternate universe episode where the actress plays an angel that has simply taken roxy's form as to not intimidate miley. at the end of that episode, three white kids are rapping, and in a last-ditch move that adds nothing to the song besides a black presence, roxy--with a flava-flav clock draped around her neck--says, "peace out!" i thought disney stopped overt racism once song of the south caught so much fire and instead relegated itself to expressing racism only through its implied minority characters like ursula, scar, the hyenas, and everyone besides aladin (played by a white actor, scott weinger, aka steve, dj's boyfriend, in full house) in aladin.

ps...in case you need this-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_Montana

mike azzinaro (blue) v justin bellucci (red) v nathan welch (purple), also known as mike o'malley's wet dream

what a freakin' episode. this is what guts is made for. you could see the excitement in mike's face from the instant the game started--games like this are the reason he gets up in the morning. three real athletes hungry for a glowing piece of that radical rock.

event one: off the wall.
mike (in blue)'s first jump is directly in the center of the wall. it is possible that he knocked off more balls with that one jump than any other single jump in guts' off the wall history has. he now, however, has a huge gap in the center of the wall and cannot really make efficient use of his remaining time with any of his following jumps since there are no sectors big enough to be worthwhile. on top of this, he has continuous trouble getting back on the aerial bridge.
the event ends, and seemingly out of nowhere, justin has only 2 of his 50 balls left on the wall. 48/50. that is an unreal score. unquestionably the best score i've ever seen. the replay reveals why: he attacked the game perfectly. he went at the wall in a well-designed pattern and used every jump to its fullest. a near-flawless execution.
nathan finishes with 33 and mike with 26--also two of the highest scores i have ever seen.
justin's post-event interview reveals that this will most probably be the high point of his life.

justin 300
nathan 200
mike 100

for 14-year-old mike "boom boom" azzinaro, guts = being a contender

event two: wild pitch.
for the pre-even explanation, mike asks us to imagine the following pitcher(s) (this should be noted every time this--or any other baseball game--is played):
roger clemens

nathan and mike both seem to know that contact is key--they pick up on the nearly-unbeatable bunt technique, but nathan before mike. justin shows the world that he is indeed a competent baseball player, but skill in a sport doesn't always translate to the guts game that is derived from that sport. besides just employing the bunt technique before mike, nathan seemed to have better concentration while in the batter's box. he finishes with a commanding 19, handily defeating mike's 10 and justin's (quite respectable for non-bunting) 7.

for 13-year-old justing "terminator b" bellucci, guts = combat
what the hell is that? terminator b? was that really necessary? and one of the worst guts='s i've seen in a while.

event three: mad max.
mike's pre-rule description:
well, combat's good for our next event, because our next event is a post-nuclear race that really gets in your face. it's "mad max": a frantic dash through all sorts of terrain! --look out for the stray tires LETS GO TO MO FOR THE RULES--MO!

they used the prop-master's self-powered-tail-lights bike for this one. not exactly the best use of these three athletes, but, still, a fun and rare event-type never hurts an episode.
in a weird foreshadowing, mike warns about taking the course too fast right before justin goes. justin naturally goes too quickly and loses control, both costing him off-the-track penalties and forcing him to run into the side of the crash finish instead of through it at first. again--his 48/50 was indeed the high point of his life. it was all down hill from there.

nathan takes first with 17.5 seconds, mike second with 18.9, and justin third with a generous 26.6.

nathan 800
mike 500
justin 500

for 13-year-old "notorious" nathan welch, guts = controversy (which mo pronounces conTROversy [as opposed to CONtroversy])

event four: jump jump!

the dreaded fourth hurdle. for some reason, people never have problems with the second (although sometimes they miss the first--and usually they miss the second--aerial bridge) hurdle, even though in theory they should be equally as challenging. i guess it's a rhythm thing.
mike starts and as predicted does incur 5 second penalty for knocking down the fourth hurdle. 23 seconds even.
justin looks fantastic up until the first aerial bridge and then gets overexcited, coming off too fast. he winds up overshooting the third hurdle and he finds himself taking the fourth too quickly. he can't back out, and he crashes directly into it. he forgets that the game is not over, though, and lethargically hangs for almost a full second before trying to finish. 24.7.
nathan has trouble with the first bridge and gets spotter help. he too knocks the fourth hurdle down, and finishes with 45.6 (including the hurdle and two five-second assistant penalties).

going into the crag we have an unreal game. baring missed actuators we're in for one helluva ride.
nathan 900
mike 800
justin 700

as predicted, the crag is a memorable one. all three handle boulder canyon like it's child's play. three athletes at the peak shape of their guts-eligible lives scale our rock in near-perfect sync. they reach the final vertical-climb at nearly the same exact time--the entire game comes down to this. nathan reaches the top first, right as justin is slipping. he falls and mike takes advantage of the opportunity. he jumps ahead of justin to claim second.

nathan 1625
mike 1350
justin 1075

one of the greatest games i've ever seen played.

interesting turn in the hannah saga...

a new development in the possible hannah montana shark-jumping. this week's episode ("when you wish you were the star" s2e5, even though it was the 13th shown of the season...) appeared to be ripe for the jumpin'--a trite "alternate universe" episode. the first commercial break, however, revealed that this episode was part of disney's "wish gone amiss" weekend. this new context excuses the episode's cliche plot, as long as the show manages to do something with it. and hannah did. the alternate universe provided great use of a guest star (jesse mccartney), excellent alternate personalities for all of the main characters, and it made way for the truly incredible rap duo of rico and oliver. seriously. (although the show's return to this shtick during the closing credits--while good at first--took a turn towards the absurd when they insisted on having the show's one regular black character, roxy, finish the closing rap by donning a flava-flav style clock and snapping while saying "peace out!" [another interesting note from today's episode: for the first time "roxy" briefly broke from her stereotypical ways and spoke in a normal voice, although it was rather brief.]) keep in mind, however, that this episode was the 5th of the season (from back when the season was still decent) and it simply aired out of order, so this may be a false hope.

other worthwhile observations from this week:

good observation by andy. during a very emotional scene, out of nowhere a crawl appears at the bottom. "penelope, 11, ca: i wish rico and i could play video games together!" that's all it said. nothing before, nothing after. it then disappeared. as far as we could remember, this was the only crawl all episode besides the normal post-commercial show-identifiers. amazing.

-----=====SPOILER BELOW=====-----




normally i wouldn't post about something this stupid, but given last week's discussion about hannah's diagetic violations of late i figured this was worth mentioning. hannah's way of getting out of the alternate universe once canon had established that she had already used her one and only wish--brilliant. absolutely brilliant. for those of you who have not seen it but who were not scared away by the spoiler alert:

miley wishes on a star to be hannah 24/7. hannah tries to wish back but she is told her one and only wish has been used. at the end of the episode, she has a kind-of heart-to-heart with the estranged "hermit" (they meant "hobo"), jackson, who then sees a shooting star and uses his one wish to get them back to our world.

they do a great job of keeping canon in tact, but in order to continue, all of our newer episodes--
(and this is nit-picky, and by no means this should actually happen nor am i faulting the show for breaking this, because, in sitcom form, plot flexibility to a certain degree is completely both allowed and required in order to keep interesting episodes around)
--should feature a jackson who has no memory of our world pre-miley's wish and only of the world where he was a "hermit." hannah, after all, had no memory of her new post-wish world while she was there (but she had maintained all skills learned in that world, like the ability to speak french). just a thought.

quick guts notes...

1) who came up with the idea to call the first hurdle on the 'crag "boulder canyon," and how exactly did it happen? is it an o'malley contribution that stuck? or were there meetings about this?

2) we want to put together a guts record book (after a performance we saw today that we will discuss later--we're still breaking down footage). we're going to create a poster with all the event names and keep track of the best scores we see. it will probably take a full year or more of constant guts watching before we're ready to call it official, but we're ready for the challenge.

do you like your chili, scott?

last night, as i sunk into my jet blue exit row seat (the most leg room in coach, mind you), i casually flipped on comedy central pre-takeoff, hoping to amuse myself for a moment before i was given my bliss spa sleep kit and employing it to its fullest extent. and you know what i discovered one of the most exciting feelings in the world is? turning on jet blue comedy central and seeing scott tennerman pouring a bag of "hair" into a pot of chili. for that means that i am mere moments away from eric cartman at his finest hour. and then the pilot came on.
for the next five minutes, the captain let me know my cruising altitude, a list of available snacks, the proper way to apply for a jet blue credit card while aboard, the weather in florida, and all of the other details about my flight i could ever and never imagine. he took over the public address and forced me to soundlessly watch as cartman gave the explanation of his greatest caper. have you ever tried to read a cartoon's lips? luckily, i have the entire scene memorized. ...but what if i didn't? what if this was my first time seeing "scott tennerman must die"? what if i was a young, impressionable youth just looking for a reason to laugh? a reason to love? a reason to live? i would like each of our loyal readers to please write a letter to jet blue asking for a manual p.a. override option to be installed on all of their jets. after all, what company could possibly ignore over three (3) strongly worded letters?

clark y miguel

after a few episodes where c&m were relying too much on cera's impeccable timing and clark duke's dukeness and not enough on actually saying/doing anything funny, the boys finally pulled a doozie out of their patotties yesterday with episode eight. clark in a woman's blazer and glasses really does--as andy put it--look like a disgusting woman. and two fantastic cameos with todd and derek (or at least sam weir was fantastic--given the other guests thus far jonah hill was expected, but nonetheless necessary and worthy).
after the initial four episode honeymoon phase there was a period where, although i was recommending clark and michael to people, i would do it with the addendum that i too recognize that the show skates by on its laurels and that my tastes should not be judged by my liking of it. after episode eight, i will only give that warning for episodes five through seven and will once again resume being overall proud to be a fan of the show.

Poker

Mike O'Malley is playing in the 2007 World Series of Poker main event...the dollars have SKY ROCKETED for this event!!!

figure it out

in an atypical rebellion on this morning's figure it out ("world downhill shovel racing champion"), tamborelli refused summer's goading into the secret slime action. what gives?

Nick Arcade

Why do none of the contestants ever send Mikey on the quickest, most direct path to the Goal? Sometimes it's only a 4-square, direct shot there, but they insist on taking him up, down, left, and right all over the place so Phil has to zap him straight to the goal at the end of the round. Are they afraid of running into villains? Or do they just want to search for the points and prizes squares that are always off the beaten path? Are they just idiots?

entourage

another waldo watcher should be updating shortly with a more in-depth look at the recent failures of entourage, but for now i would just like to ask: why bring back walsh? he was a pathetic, annoying character his first go-around, so why would they possibly give him a second try? for a show that many fans seem to think is getting repetitive, it was a horrible idea to bring back a character i think most of us were sick of before vince even became queens boulevard.

Moira Quirk standup

What do we think about this?

hannah montana jumping the shark?

despite how fantastic the second cd is, i'm thinking hannah has started to jump the shark.
a show creates a diagesis--a universe--that it must operate in. that diagesis can break every law of our universe, but the workings within that universe must obied by all of the laws of it. every episode of the seconds season (least so in the jake ryan hour long double, but even in that) has violated the rules of the hannah world, indirectly mostly. the show has abandoned the idea that its characters are logical and un-absurd (relatively speaking) in their non-pop star effected lives. to a much less severe extent, they are suffering from a syndrome that is related to the boy meets world collapse.
the stories are loose; there are too many obvious ways out of any created conflict. in tonight's episode ("sleepwalk this way," s2e13), for instance, someone could have reassured miley that she need not be worried until monday, and jackson could have pushed his party forward to a day before monday. those would greatly alter the main plot arch (their refusal to acknowledge these obvious flaws is a violation of the psudo-cannon that the characters are logical). even the small conflicts had too obvious yet still ignored solutions. they could/should have woken miley up during her tirade in class (and why is she adjusting her shirt while asleep? and coming up with witty, non-obvious retorts to kunkle's every word while asleep?), and jackson could have realized that when miley said she was awake she could not have been sleepwalking since she can only tell the truth when she is sleepwalking and therefore would have to say she was asleep (his failure to acknowledge this led to his clanking of pans and dumping water on miley for annoyingly trite comic relief).
sorry if this made no sense. i'm a bit flustered/frustrated.

i'm off to watch entourage. expect notes on that soon.

in search of chance...

after the viacom cease and desist order was placed on youtube a few months back, i lost my favorite video of all time: worst guts contestant ever. it featured a young man named chance who was--by all accounts--truly the worst ever (even though he didn't finish in third...). if anyone knows where i can find this again, please let me know.

GUTS: nikki stewart (blue) v bianca alaimo (red) v t.j. simmons (purple)

a blow by blow account of one of today's games

event one: aerial (elastic), rebound--

tj is suffering from the same fate as most males in the typical male/female/female game: weighing noticeably less than the females, victory in an elastic event is almost impossible. at the end, though, he seemed to notice this, and in a cut-off-the-nose-to-spite-the-face move, he began playing defense.

bianca's interview? she talks about the balls slipping out of her hands. no credit to t.j. despite his pathetic zero-rebound performance, i'm predicting victory for him.

biancia 300
nikki 200
t.j. 100

for 14-year-old "tricky nikki" stewart, guts=equality

event two: track (running), tornado run--

this one was extremely close, but again t.j. suffered from slow-development male woes. his upperbody strength (or lack thereof) got to him in the vines climb. another third place finish for him. having them run against each other instead of against the clock is always interesting to see.

bianca 600
nikki 400
t.j. 200

for 13-year-old bianca "the barbarian" alaimo, guts=uninhibited

event three: pool, hang 10--

nikki's up first. she's concentrating too much on hanging onto the board and not paying enough attention to the bouyies. still, she collected seven, but she could have benefited from using her hands more to maneuver herself.

bianca is second. she is using her stomach to hold on--as she should--and she is letting her arms do the dirty work. perfectly executed, she finishes with eight and takes the lead going into the last contestant's turn. this will be difficult for t.j. to match.

t.j. third. the determination in his eyes is fierce. he is using the right technique, but it is obvious that he is running out of stamina. he stayed still in the water at the end, practically giving up. six.

bianca 900
nikki 600
t.j. 300

t.j. needs to pick it up majorly in this last event if he even wants a shot at second.

for 12-year-old t.j. simmons, guts=living (yeah, right)

event four: field (elastic), fumble--

again, t.j. is suffering from being too young and too light. he can't even reach the footballs. still, though, it is obvious that he is the best pure athlete of the three, and he may take it home. nikki's lack of lower body strength is getting to her, but she picked it up at the end to finish with 5. bianca had 4, and t.j. finished in first with 10. he's back in the game.

bianca 1000
nikki 800
t.j. 600

THE AGGRO CRAG

i'm predicting a t.j. victory. ehrin is saying t.j. as well, since he's been picking up his game at the end. andy is also going with t.j. but notes that he seems like the type to miss an actuator. still, a second place finish is in his future.

bianca and t.j. handle boulder canyon very well, but bianca gets caught up in the snow. nikki is doing fantastically, but the rocks didn't fall, so it implies that she missed an actuator. wait--t.j. did as well! he finishes in third, nikki overcomes her miss and gets first, and bianca, who also missed one, finishes in second.
all three missing actuators? is that acceptable? it's a good thing the crag troll (as mike called the judge) was there to let them know.

bianca 1550
nikki 1525
t.j. 975

t.j. is an extreme disappointment. he can't even climb down the crag, so he almost misses the awards ceremony. pathetic. if anyone knows where we can find him on fbook or myspace, please post. he deserves hate mail.